North Bergen is Magic

by Phil Wells

Hi, and welcome to this hour’s complementary Walking Tour of North Bergen. My name is Steve “Methadone Man “ McGough, and I am mayor of North Bergen’s homeless. You see, we North Bergen bums stage bona fide elections to determine who will be the bum mayor of the town. Think that’s interesting? Well, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

To our right is James J. Braddock Park. That’s right; the boxer who they based the film “Cinderella Man” on was from North Bergen, NJ. And you see all those trees in that park? If you slide a spigot into the side of any one of those trees, you can draw French onion soup from it like sap. And the beehives are full of warm marinara sauce.

But that’s not all!

Moving on, you’ll notice that one of North Bergen’s ample salt-spreading trucks is making the rounds in preparation for tomorrow morning’s dusting. Not to fear, gentle tourists! North Bergen doesn’t have any terrible, fearsome blizzards. In fact, when it snows in this town, the snowflakes whisper encouraging affirmations in your ears as they drift downward. In North Bergen, it only rains when a two-thirds majority of townspeople need its soothing sound as a sleep aid. And if you’re caught outside in the rain in North Bergen, it somehow always reminds you of glorious freedom, like the first rain after your escape from Shawshank.

Notice the ease with which that truck made its way down Bergenline Avenue. Yes sir, the only time there’s a traffic jam in North Bergen is when a line of adorable baby ducks has to cross the road. And even in those instances, no one is ever late for anything in this town.

And we’re walking, and we’re walking. Across the road you can see North Bergen’s Public Library. Inside you might pore through the Guinness Book of World Records and learn that North Bergen is listed as the city which distributes the most free White Castle burgers per capita annually in all the world. If you read a book from the history shelves, you’ll be reminded that in 1894 America briefly declared war against the town of North Bergen only to surrender after half of America’s navy was decimated in sixteen hours of battle on North Bergen’s famous Lake of Stew. Split open an unabridged dictionary and it’ll confirm that “North Bergen” is actually a Dutch phrase meaning “Land of Infinite Providence and Hilarious Monkeys with their Antics.”

Keep it moving, now. No stragglers!

To my left, your right, is Nungesser Lanes. North Bergen’s oldest bowling alley, it was founded in 1888. When you bowl in North Bergen, you get a caddy. And you don’t even have to tip him.

We’re almost past the park, but I sense some of you are still a little timid because the woods may have bears. Well, yes, North Bergen does have some bears. But our bears are all small and docile. And they love batting around bits of string. As we approach this crosswalk I’d like to remind you that in North Bergen, when you step on a crack, you actually add five minutes to the end of your mother’s life. Over there, on that tree, they hanged Richard Nixon.

It’s a sensitive subject, I know, but North Bergen has had more than one famous death. Sid Vicious was cremated here. And musician Tiny Tim died in North Bergen. He was adored to death by a loving mob in his sleep. He was 108.

I notice a few of you curiously eyeing the edifices. The explanation is both simple and astounding. Truth is, North Bergen is such a safe place that years ago all the police officers were replaced with ornate stone fireplaces to keep our citizens (and my homeless brethren in particular) toasty warm. The officers whose jobs were replaced are paid a healthy pension.

North Bergen’s coffers, it seems, are never empty. North Bergen is so magical that people just mail money in to support us. High school dropouts who never leave North Bergen are, individually and on average, worth more money than any living European member of parliament. North Bergen once loaned Vancouver like $2000 and when Vancouver couldn’t pay it back on time, North Bergen was like “Don’t sweat it. It’s cool. We’re bros.”

There’s the post office. And City Hall.

When intelligent design is taught at schools in Kansas, the town of North Bergen is offered as proof that some things exist which are too complex and glorious for mankind to have created without divine assistance. When the Pope visits, he kisses North Bergen’s ring.

Ha! Ha! Seriously, folks, to our left is the Lake of Whiskey. Take a mug and quaff! I’m going to light a stogie.

While we’re standing around, and since we’re almost at the end of our tour, it’ll please you to know that birds never crap over North Bergen. They either hold it in or fly around out of respect and instinct. You can rest safe. Hitler once visited North Bergen but had to leave quickly when the town’s ambient good vibes caused his vile skin to start to blister. So it’s all good.

If, for some reason beyond my comprehension, you want to see anything outside of North Bergen, then you’re in luck. North Bergen is a veritable crossroads. Trains to New York will get you there in only eight minutes. And trains to London take only twelve minutes.

If you’re thinking of moving in, well, I couldn’t recommend it more strongly. In North Bergen, bread always lands butter-side up, and cats always land comically on their asses. Warriors and priests experience a +4 bonus to saving throws versus poison and paralysis while in North Bergen.

Scientists theorize that North Bergen is the physical center of the universe. Imagine the universe expanding away from this small New Jersey town in every direction through four dimensions at the speed of light. If you’re interested, a plaque in the CVS parking lot marks the spot where the Big Bang occurred.

Think long and hard about the significance of this town, and take a gander into North Bergen’s clear night sky. You’ll notice the stars spell out “YOU GUYS ARE DOING A GREAT JOB.”

That only happens over North Bergen.

Thanks, folks. Suggested donation for the tour is…

…ha, gotcha! If you’ll all kindly line up, I’d like to pay you each $10 for your time.

Reading Library | Home