How to Prevent
Household Monks
by Phil Wells
While Roman Catholic monks may work and pray diligently for
the sanctity of mankind, they can cause problems for homeowners. Whether
they’re chanting in your pantry, worshipping in your family room, or repenting
in the garage, an infestation of monks can seriously jeopardize your health,
home, and property.
These are some of the more common dangers and health risks
associated with various household monks:
1. Monks spend a lot of time hanging
around lepers and others who are otherwise unclean and can bring these
conditions with them into your home.
2. Children witnessing monks in the
ecstasy of self-flagellation have been known to “experiment” by whipping
themselves and others mercilessly.
3. Nonstop chanting can be noisy or,
ironically, could lull you into unconsciousness in the tub, causing a drowning
risk.
4. Monks are notorious communists.
5. They may try to convert your
family’s pets.
6. Monks left unattended will replace
the books in your house with indecipherable longhand Latin translations.
7. Home gardens could progressively be
overtaken by monks’ pea pod plants until all your plants have been evicted.
Monks’ gardens can devastate your crops quicker than phylloxera,
aphids, or aphids that breathe pure phylloxera.
8. Residue from monks’ porridge is
difficult to scrub off the sides of aluminum pots.
9. Monks will punch holes in household
condoms and replace birth control pills with ineffective breath mints.
10. Monks’ robes shedded
during spring and summer could pile up and be tripped over.
11. Ascetics’ shirts woven from itchy
human hair are a smelly fire hazard.
12. Monk bites can be painful and
potentially fatal to allergic children.
13. Monks who have taken a vow of
silence but not learned sign language will point emphatically until the other
monks figure out what he wants. It gets annoying.
14. Chaste monks will sometimes lose it
and masturbate furiously in your bed knowing they can just confess and repent
later.
CONDUCIVE CONDITIONS
While the treatment of monks should generally be left to
professionals, there are a few basics to monk prevention that every homeowner
should know. Understanding and eliminating elements that attract monks is key to prevention. The following three elements are
essential to monk survival, so they should be minimized or eliminated entirely
in your home:
1. Poverty:
Monks are so enamored by their own vows of poverty that they will week simple,
squalid, conditions wherever they are available. If your home looks poor,
run-down, or otherwise shitty, you could be in danger of monk infestation.
Reasons for your house appearing like ass that you may not have considered:
a. It looks like the setup of any Jeff
Foxworthy joke.
b. Not only do you still have your
Christmas lights up in April, but they’re plugged into an extension cord that’s
running through your neighbor’s kitchen window.
c. You openly give trick-or-treaters
sawed-off pieces of the furniture for Halloween.
d. Your theft deterrent system for your
primary vehicle is a big, thick chain.
e. You saved Pabst Blue Ribbon cans for
years to finally install some homemade siding over that unsightly brick face.
f.
There
are no phone or cable lines running into your home. There’s just a complicated
network of twine.
2. Moisture:
Monks require tons of water because of their heavy robes. A monk’s robe
contains roughly the heat equivalent of a thermal unionsuit
under three wool sweaters and a fleece throw blanket on fire. If you fear a
monk infestation, remove moisture at all costs for the following reasons:
a. Monks are humble, so they’re not
above quaffing standing water from an upturned trash can lid just when they’re
a little thirsty.
b. Very thirsty monks will suck the
plasma out of a kitten’s eyes. They think cats are evil anyway.
c. When water is haphazardly spilled on
a monk and a curse is uttered, new fully-formed monks will spawn and spring
painfully out of the doused monk’s back. This is how monks are born.
d. Monks take great comfort in dipping
their dry bald spots in cool puddles of water.
3. Access:
Monks can find access into your home through holes in the physical perimeter of
your building, and by other unexpected methods, including:
a. If you travel to a place where there
may be monks, inspect your luggage upon returning to be sure that no monks are
hiding among your clothing.
b. If you’re in tall grass or a wooded
area near a monastery wear long pants and high socks. Check before you go back inside
that no monks are stuck to your legs. If a monk has stuck his teeth into your
flesh, you can usually coax him out by applying flame directly to him.
c. Seal any holes that might let a monk
into your home. A spry monk can fit through an opening the circumference of a
tennis ball.
d. Monks are brilliant masters of
disguise. Check the ID of any stranger entering your home. Make sure as many
people walk out as walked in. You never know who’s a monk and who isn’t.
e. Monks are adept spelunkers, able to
descend the narrowest of chimneys. Santa Claus was said to have been a monk.
PREVENTION TIPS
1. Since monks thrive on solitude you
can be sure to keep them away by posting a family member to each room in your
house and switching in shifts.
2. Monks like the smell of bland, pasty
food like oatmeal and gruel. Cook a lot of exotic cuisine to drive them away.
3. Monks have very few natural
predators, except for bears. Bears will attack and kill monks on sight. Buy a
big bear.
4. Monks will blindly follow their
abbot. If you can lure the abbot of your infestation to his doom by, say,
throwing his sacramental wine into a wood chipper, you’ll be rid of the whole
mess.
5. Wait for the monks to take vows and
switch the script for their vow of chastity with a vow to get the hell out.
6. Keep tipping the monks. $5 here and
$10 there. It’ll eventually violate their vows of poverty and they’ll take the
hint and hit the road.
Effective monk control not only safeguards property, but it
also protects people’s health and increases their well-being. Monks belong in
monasteries where they can pray for us all and stop making us feel so guilty.
Send them home.